Do these people really like me?

Do these people really like me?

x_grantticus_x

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since 1994.

[Nov. 28th, 2009|09:29 pm]

askheychris

[

music

ladyhawke - my delirium.

]

i didnt know her all that well, only that she was the best friend of my current crush and loved the dog sidekick of the popular cartoon cat, garfield. i dont think we spoke. ever. but the night before my mother brought home a package of stickers for me from the store. one side was garfield, the other, odie, the canine sidekick.
i fucking loved garfield. some of my fondest memories of elementary school were when we were handed the newsprint arrow flyer selling overpriced childrens books. i would run home and circle damn near every book about bugs, choosing my own adventure and, of course, garfield. that damn cat seemed to put out a book every 6 weeks and you wore your garfield completest collection like a badge of honor. but i simply couldnt stand that fucking dog. always so clueless with his stupid tongue hanging out, he irritated the shit out of me. he was a patsy and a moron and i was in the smart kid classes and had felt the growth spurt in my superiority complex. i had no time for his stupidity and i certainly didnt want his dopy face emblazoned across my return of the jedi trapper keeper.

i left the house 15 minutes earlier than usual the next morning so i could get a closer spot to the school doors. why it was some kind of honor to be the first through the door and into class was beyond me. school was only a 7 hour penalty box preventing me from egging the house next door, attempting to poison the neighborhood dogs and playing politically incorrect named games of 'grab and tackle' in my front yard. i had no aspirations of being there one minute longer than i had to be.
the bell rang, the doors unlocked and i raced in. sticker folder in my right hand. i ran up to the second level where our smart kid classrooms were separated from the commoners, looked around and noted i arrived even before the teacher. i paged through the folder; past the scratch n sniffs, past the puffy stickers and the coveted star wars stickers until i came to the garbage section reserved for stickers used solely for trades. i rushed to find the right sticker sheet. slowly people began filing in. i needed to hurry. i pulled out the odie sticker sheet, ran over to gretchens desk and placed it under her name tag then ran back to my desk. terry saw. terry the rat who told the teacher about the time i tried setting the school on fire (not intentionally) and the time i carried a butcher knife to school in my jeans. if i could find that dude now as a grown man i promise he would walk away with a black eye. gretchen walked in and started taking her coat off to hang on the green hooks that aligned the wall. i saw the evil grin grow across terrys face as gretchen walked back to her desk. she stood for a minute, looked down at the stickers, looked up and side to side before she asked to anyone who would listen who had put them on her desk. terry immediately shouted, "chris did!"
my face ran hot with blood and tears began to uncontrollably well up in my eyes as 25 kids pointed and laughed.
someone blurted out, "chris loves gretchen."
i sat at my desk looking at my lap and i said nothing as they laughed and said, "ooooooooh."

the first attempted altruistic moment of my life, ruined. i just wanted to look across a room and know i put a smile on someones face. i wanted to make someone feel what i would feel when my mother would make me feel like i was the worlds most wonderful little boy simply by being alive and breathing every day. i was young and clumsy. it was a sheet of stickers and a few minutes of embarrassment. but after the last bell rang and the laughing subsided and the tears were absorbed back into my eyeballs, i looked up and saw gretchen holding the stickers and smiling. she looked across the room at me and i immediately looked away. i felt hot needles of shame around my neck so i waited to move until the teacher instructed us to sit on the floor in a circle to prepare for show and tell. i got up from my desk and sat down on the floor. i looked at gretchen and she was still holding the stickers. i smiled. she looked up and smiled back. it was a feeling that has never left me. not the selfish appreciation or satisfaction but knowing that somewhere within my damaged machine i have the ability to put a smile on someones face no matter how fucked my life is. and i like knowing that the smiles of the world are my inspiration. to not give up. to not give in. and to never lose steam.

deadxstop fanzine # 7
demonstrative monsters B-sides

december 2009
free

kind of.

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